Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
