I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
