I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
