So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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