Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I could make wine with my vomit
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
