my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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