You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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