I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
