Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
