Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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