You're so nebulous sometimes
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
