so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
two words: eviction party
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
