Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
