ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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