What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
