my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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