At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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