is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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