Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
