Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
