Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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