you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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