just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
