its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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