Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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