I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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