My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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