where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
