Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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