I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
