I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
