Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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