My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
