I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
