I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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