ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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