I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
