She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
