At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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