I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
