I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
