between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
