My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This is the high leading the old right now
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
