dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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