There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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