Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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