my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You don't make any sense
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