mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
