clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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