Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
