Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
