If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
