You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
