I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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