Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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