Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
