is your mom at the bar?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
