So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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