I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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