My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize