You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
