what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize