He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
