im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
