You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
